Last year, I remember sending out an email to a few friends letting them know that I would be living with Juany and how excited I was that God had put this opportunity in my path. A friend of mine from Boulder wrote me back and told me that he was excited I had said yes to God but that he would pray for me, because it was definitely going to be hard. I remember thinking to myself, "Hard?What's he talking about? It's going to be great! She's such a cool girl and I'll be speaking spanish so much..blah blah blah."
He was right. I think this is one of my the most stretching experiences I've been in. I don't need to shed details on a few things that have happened over the past few weeks, but needless to say, these experiences have made me really question why I am living here. I sometimes undermine what it actually must have been like to grow up in an orphanage. The issues that come from this are endless. Fear of rejection. Attachment issues. Fear of abandonment. Fear of growing close to people that show you love. Believing lies that you are alone and that no one cares for you. Acting out when conflict arises. Throwing things. Anger.
Those issues have all surfaced recently. I have to be honest, my first reaction to this, is to bail. To run as fast as I can in the other direction. The worldly side of me keeps saying, "Hannah, you're 26, you're young, you should be having fun, living for happiness, loving life, finding ways to make yourself happy. You don't need to be doing this. You should move, live with people that understand you, live in a place where its not sooo hard."
I felt so discouraged this weekend that I told God He had made a mistake. There has to be someone else out there that can serve Juany better than I can. Someone who is ACTUALLY fluent in Spanish, who understands Mexican culture better than I do. Someone who's been down her walk of life before and can really GET her. Someone who can follow through with what they say and REALLY be there for her.
But the Lord stops me before I can entertain those thoughts anymore.
I had a good conversation with a friend of mine tonight.
She told me this
"You and I are living a life that isn't understood by the world or most Christians. So when the logical thing would be to bail, we're going to stand firm. We're going to believe God's promises that he would give us the Holy Spirit to empower us to ALL he has called us to in this life. That's this Hannah. Right now. With Juany. So give her grace. Mercy. Let God love her through you.
I kept letting these these thoughts circle round and round inside my head until God told me this. God uses the foolish things of this world to show His love to others.
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Corinthians 1:27
Do I speak fluent Spanish? Not even close. Are there people out there that understand Mexican culture better than I do? Absolutely. But for some reason, God has chosen me to live with Juany in this season of my life. He's chosen me, with all my flaws and all the areas I fall short, to be here with her. I'm not here to save her from her past. I'm not her savior, God is. But, I am here to be God's hands and feet. People might tell me that this isn't worth it. That I shouldn't invest so much of myself into her. But Jesus wouldn't do that. He's asking me to sacrifice, to put my own agenda aside, and care and love for this girl right here and now.
So that's what I am going to do. I'm not going to bail. I'm not going to run. I'm staying here. And no mater how hard it might be, I know that this is the work God has asked me to do right now.
Show her mercy.
love her.
be God's hands and feet.
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